Right now, as you read this paragraph, you do so from within the relative safety of your skull. Now, it is not my intent to discuss safety headgear here, like ballistic helmets and eyewear, nor hearing protection wear, or SCUBA masks, all of which, technically, protect your head. It is also not my intent to discuss whether your head needs protection or not; if you insist it does not, then who am I to disagree? Nature has ways of taking care of itself, and deliberate ignorance with regard to physical protection of the your brain is rewarded, accordingly. It is, however, my intention to go over the basic options for any well-prepared dude to cover one's kopf in a modern, urban environment.

The Watch Cap:

The watch cap has long been traditional military headwear in colder climates. In the past, these were made of cotton or wool, but mostly they come in synthetic fleece these days. A good watch cap should fit your head snugly, and can easily be carried around in a pocket or backpack pouch (we'll go over what an awesome dude should be using, pouch-wise and pack-wise at a later date), just in case it gets cold later. Sometimes it does, and it's easy to be properly prepared. As for where to obtain such a hat, I would suggest visiting a local tactical supply or proper surplus venue, which would enable you to try the hat on and make sure it feels comfortable. The last thing you want is a hat which is too big, and slops around your head, or too small, and over time gives you a headache. Generally, watch caps in the US come in "foliage green", "coyote brown", and "black". You've probably all heard of black; foliage green is a slightly blue-ish olive drab that matches the current ACU for US troops. Coyote brown is a bit trickier, since there are basically two "coyote browns" out there; the lighter, more tan coyote brown, and the darker, green-tinged USMC coyote brown. The darker, green-tinged USMC coyote brown is the one true coyote brown, and all others will die a grizzly death at the swords of the believers. I keep this fleece hat (although mine is coyote brown) in my bag at all times, as Californian evening weather can shift rapidly, and shaved-head bald dudes gotta be prepared. You lose 80% of your heat through your head, or so they say. I've never actually seen a study on that, nor heard any source cited, other than marketing losers, but hats covering the ears make heads warmer, period.

The Patrol Cap

Only weirdos and active duty people wear patrol caps. Don't be a weirdo. And if you're active duty, well, I trust you'll do what you have to do. But Patrol Caps are weirdo turf. Dudes named "Ducky". Dudes with heavy chains tethering their wallets to their belts. Dudes trapped in some gothic-fifties-fusion fantasy. Oh, and Gomer Pyle. I mean, come on.

Further, before you go asking, yes, those French Foreign Legion desert hats are patrol caps, and this rule applies to them. In fact, it applies to them doubly, as they are, in effect, patrol caps with fucking mullets. If I see you on the street wearing one of these, I will shoot you where you stand.

The Shemagh

The shemagh is pretty awesome, but unless you have brown skin, or are a girl, don't go wearing this around in public, because you will look like a crazy douchebag. Wait, unless you don't mind looking like a crazy douchebag, in which case, I say fucking go for it. The shemagh is pretty versatile, and can transform from scarf duties to head-coverage duties, to bank-robbery-blamed-on-stererotype-of-other-culture-as-deception duties, with a slight bit of practice. It is, however, not appropriate attire for selling donuts.

"Tactical" Ball Cap

There exists, as of late, a whole lot of baseball hats referred to as "tactical caps" or "tactical ball caps". From what I can tell, the only thing that makes these particular hats "tactical" is the fact that the top button is removed and replaced with a small Velcro loop square, which serves two functions. The first function is that it allows one to wear communications headsets or hearing protection over your hat, without that goddamned metal button causing problems. The second function is that it allows for a place to attach an IFF IR square to the top of your head, so that when the helo is strobing your area, they know not to hit you. Or to go ahead and hit you, if you're Canadian.

These hats usually also have velcro in the front, and sometimes in the back, where you can either attach patches or nametapes, or, if you're awesome, leave them blank. It's nobody's business what branch or agency you're with, anyway, motherfucker. Shoot the ones that dare to ask, in order to set an example for the survivors. Wait, I never said that. I was never here. This never happened.

Anyway, the one side note I can add about these hats is that if you buy the Crye Precision one, you have to get it in MultiCam, which makes you look like a crazy dude on the streets, but the underside of the bill is Velcro-friendly, so you can attach little LEDs under there, which is pretty cool. Then again, you can always just put a little bit of Velcro loopage on the underside of a normal, solid color, "sterilized" (this is jargon for "logo-less") cap, and look like less of a tool. Not that looking like a tool ever stopped me.

The Boonie

Invented by dinosaurs, over two billion years ago, in Vietnam, the Boonie is a timeless classic of "tactical headgear". It's lightweight, easy to pack, and covers your entire neck and head from that mean old daystar. Make sure you get one that fits, though. You'll be glad you did. And again, camo == crazy people, solid color == possibly crazy people, possibly just dudes who don't need to be sunburned. Keep 'em guessing, y'all. Keep 'em guessing.

The Sniper Veil

Dude, if you wear a sniper veil, you're a lot more hardcore than me. I bow before thee.

This concludes "On Headgear". In our next installment, we'll try to cover flashlights. Or maybe backpacks. Or MOLLE gear. Fuck, I don't know, I'm winging this as I go along. All I know is that I think I've pretty much mastered this tactical wear thing, and find myself unable to fill the void with well-staged online orders that result in daily arrivals of new shit at work, but only because I seriously have too much shit as it is. Time to pick up that crack habit, I guess. Or grey group training in San Friggin' Jose. Hurry up and get here, body armor!