with stacky out cold (or hot) my mom got to step in and make lunch for the dude and give him his bottle.  she loved every minute of it.  it was good to see him laughing with (at) her and crawling all over the floor with his giant plastic spoons.  there was a lot of laughing and smiling.  i know my mom lives for stuff like that and hates the fact that we're so far away, but she makes a point of getting here for two week stretches so that he has a chance to warm up to her and take her in as one of his own.  it was a lot of fun.  she took off this morning.  it was sad to see her head out.  but she'll be back in late september or early october.  that's not too long.

i had a thought this weekend.  on saturday, i took a nap with my son.  he wouldn't settle down, so i plopped down on the couch and he crawled up onto my chest and fell asleep sucking his thumb and holding onto my shirt.  his head rested right under my chin and i could smell the baby shampoo.  he was warm and completely relaxed.  i get uncomfortable when i think about my own mortality.  i hate the idea of dying and ending.  what it might be like to face that oblivion and darkness is too much for my tiny mind.  i generally shy away from such thoughts and think about something, anything, else to put them at a distance.  but it occurred to me that if i could have one last thought, it would be of the way i felt in that moment with my boy.  having children is a selfish act.  i'm not sure that our species has any right to go on or has proven itself worthy of existence in any but the most pathetic of ways.  i can only really be certain of the things i feel in a given moment, in context.  in that moment, i felt peace.  i love my son in a way that i couldn't have imagined before.  maybe i'm not capable of imagining something like that so it's hard for me to say that someone without a child doesn't know the feeling.  that would be hubris of the highest order.  but i do know that before my son, i didn't know anything about this kind of love.  i didn't know that it existed.  i'm so very thankful that i do now.  more than anything i am thankful that it wasn't too late for me.

on a more banal note, i have spent a little too much time toying around with wacky-electronica that i will have to post to my site soon.  i have been doing that and ignoring my other projects because i can work in the same room with people when i do one and require silence and complete focus for the other.  new music soon.  w00t!

also of note, my commuting costs have more than doubled.  my grocery bill is going up and not stopping any time soon.  my salary had not adjusted itself accordingly.  someone tell me why everything has to be so f'n complicated.  i need to pay off all my debts and get a hobby farm somewhere.  i'm done.  sigh.